Don’t Judge People Because Everyone’s Experience is Unique

Dear kristina,

Having been brought up in a Muslim family, I believe you know exactly how it is for us girls and you know all the rules.

I had always had a mature thinking and was very disciplined. I never allowed any guy in my life and knowing how the virginity is equivalent to the honor, I always knew I would have sex with my husband only and that too after marriage.

However, it didn’t happened as thought. While I was on training I met a guy who befriended me. I don’t know when I fell in love, I realized i was in love when I realize i couldn’t imagine my life without him. We shared the same thoughts and had so much in common I guess thats why we fell in love.

I was scared of how my parents would react, as he despite being a Muslim he was a foreigner. My family are very protective and have so much expectations and dreams for me. Being a married woman I belive you must know how it is. being in love drove us close, so we stated with kissing etc. As he lived alone in his flat and I was afraid to be caught walking with a guy who is not known to my family, it suited us to meet at his flat. we would talk, watch movie and he’ll hold me in his arms and hug me and i’d be feeling the most happy woman on earth. But he wanted more than just kiss as time passed. I told him i wanted it after marriage only.

I don’t know how it happend but i realised it only during the act, it was happening, we were intimate. I was really scared after it happend. i cried both of fear and joy – joy because i felt i lived a precious moment with the person i loved the most. I felt a sense of completion, “I’m now a woman’.

After the act i did had some bleeding or red skin like thing in my undergarments for 2-3 days. i believe it was my hymen fragments.

He loved me as his wife and in my mind he was my husband. After the act of intimacy when he saw that i was anxious. He held my arm and said nothing wrong happend:'” you are my wife and my life”.

I continued to live in my dream and we plan to talk to our families. He was not in a good position to be able to come and ask my parents my hand in marriage. So he planned to save for a year and the following I would be completing my university as well.

So I was active for 1 year. You must be wondering, what type of girl i am. Well I guess if I hadn’t lived this experience I would have blamed the girl who had pre marrital sex in what ever condition it was.

But now i’m a different person I learn not to judge people because everyone’s experience is unique.

I lived the most wonderful days of my life with xxxx (navn kendt af red), he was my love, my life, my friend, my dream man. I lived things out of love. I did had regrets that I crossed the limits a girl should not have but then it was already done. And I knew that He’ll marry me and he was the one with whom I lost my virginity and he knew it. All my life I had been the ideal girl living for others, that is my family, but i decided I would live for myself now.

We uses to communicate daily, talk and text each other. It happened that one day i didn’t had his message as usual( he used to sms me when he will be leaving office for home and text me back wen he reach home- as i used to be worried with his speedy driving and to make sure he doesnt text me while driving I made it a rule for him to text me before leaving office for home). It was already 6 pm and I hadn’t had news of him, by that time he must be home. I was having a strange restless feeling since earlier that day, I thought maybe i’m missing him thats why. i tested him but no reply. I did call him but my call wasn’t going through. i was restless walking to and fro in my room. I had mix feelings I was anxious and also angry at him for making me worry. I thought i’ll be angry with him and he’ll have to pacify me. it was already 21h and no sign of him. I had all sorts of thoughts, i thought maybe his mobile battery is dead or maybe some of his friends landed at his place. I was angry because he usually informs me from office if he forgot his mob at home or from his landline if his battery is dead and on charge. At 22h I received a call from his friend, who knew me and used to call me sis-in-law or sis.

He said sis, xxxx met with an accident.

My heart rate increased i was panicked. I asked him what happened is he injured, is it serious. I asked lot of questions together. He was silent, I called his name, he was silent. I asked me tell me what happened I’m feeling weak( with sudden emotion fluctuation or too much anger or emotion re-tension i feel weak) where is xxxx (navn kendt af red), where are you, are you with him??

He replied: i”m at hospital.

It was then I noticed his voice was cracking, my heart was sinking, I asked where is xxxx is he injured.

He replied: xxxx left us, he is no more.

At that moment I felt my world crumble, the mobile slipped from my hand and I tears fell from my eyes. I couldn’t stand, i don’t know what was happening I couldn’t breath i was already on the floor. I couldn’t see I had blur vision.

I had difficulty to breath, I felt dizzy though i was on the floor. I had no energy. I remained there and cried. I felt like I lost my voice, I couldn’t talk.

My mobile was ringing but I couldn’t move to take it.

It was only after some time that i grabbed the mobile with my trembling hand.

It was xxxx (his friend from the hospital), he was asking if i was ok: but i couldn’t utter a single word all I could do was to cry and cry, I think xxxx cried with me. He was afraid that I might harm myself.

Its between nearly 3 years now… and I’ve died thousand death since his death, shed million tears, Had sleepness nights lying on the floor and crying all the tears of my body which never dried up.. He used to say my eyes was like the ocean.. indeed my eyes is like the ocean of tears.

I used to have swollen eyes in the morning due to sleepness nights of crying.. and had to lie to mum saying I’m having bad headache. I had stopped listening to the radio because love songs would remind me of him and sad songs would make me feel even more depressed. I harbored my pain and my grief alone. I suffered in silence.

As I’m writing you I can’t stop my tears.

I had a key to xxxxx’s flat. At times I used to go there before he reaches home and surprise him… for example with birthday cake and meal ready when he reached.

After his death I went there often lie or sit there and cried and cried till i felt weak or felt unconscious. However, after one month the owner rented it to a couple. It hurt a lot to see another couple there and felt terrible lonely to have been left alone in the middle of this journey.

No one from my family ever came to know about it because at the time when xxxx died I had my final exams scheduled at the same month.

So staying up late was associated with me doing my revision: when I was actually crying my tears out and asking god: why me? why it happened to me, I never wronged anyone never harmed anyone? why me?

.. I ended up failing my exams..i was in no position to study, i was still in the trauma and very much affected…

While I was in depression due to my broken heart and had changed completely from the ever smiling lively girl to a very silent person, I hardly talked. I preferred to stay alone away from home. i would sit in a lonely place, in front of a lake etc.

As time went by I felt part of me had died, i had died; I missed myself, the old me, the happy me.

Today after three years it still pains wen i think about him.

Unfortunately I didn’t had the courage to put an end to my life the weeks following his death, all I could do is to sit and stare at the knife..

After some time, I started to smile to conceal my pain. I’m a person who doesn’t like to show when she is sad or in pain. After the death of xxxx I felt life was useless and had no meaning. Gradually, in the attempt to hide my pain from those around me and in the acting of being normal, i started to live for the sake of my family who after 1 year (following the death of xxxx) lost their son; my brother.

How things evolved: After losing their son, all the hopes and expectation of my parents were driven on me. So I had to be strong for them. I felt I had more responsibilities now.

In the span of two years I had lot of wedding proposals which I turned down some way or the other.

In fact when I had freshly completed my college my father had asked my mum what to do as I had a good wedding proposal. My mum knew I wanted to study further and told my dad to let me continue my studies. however, mum told me one thing at that time: be a good girl coz if something happens I would be the one your dad will blame. mum’s words had lot of implications and I highly understood it.

Though today we have an educated society, science and technological advanced have brought lot of changes and explanations, we live in an era where we talk of “woman emancipation”, equality between women and men, freedom of women etc…. BUT ARE WE REALLY FREE? WILL WE EVER BE FREE? OR ARE WE BURDENS TO OUR FAMILIES?

Girls have to abide by society norms and there is no escaping to it.. My family though quite traditional in their beliefs are quite moderate and liberal: in the sense that I had freedom to chose my career path or studies option.

It has been a custom for girls to get married at some point of her life and to move to her husband’s house.It is a ritual parents to give away their daughter and her responsibility to her husband and her in-laws….Girls can’t escape… I realized that I was free yet in chains…

Yes ‘women are free yet in chains’

As the years went by I became a burden to my family… this due to the increase age.. and me reaching the marriageable age….

….though we may say a child is not a burden to her family but in reality the psychology that is behind proves otherwise. the society pressure forces our parents to act in a way to please the society.

I was not spared I was over 25 years hence its was the ideal time to settle down.. the pressure was increasing. I felt my mum’s health was deteriorating with my tension.

After 2 years of turning down all wedding proposals. I had no way to escape in front of my mums pleads and tears.

When a ‘good’ match from a relative came forward for me all my family members were happy with it; I couldn’t get any better match than this according to them.

I certainly understand my parents views, had I been in their shoes I would be thinking like them maybe conscious about their daughter’s future.

The honor of the family lies in my hand… what Can I do.. I remained quiet but lived in fear: i’m no longer a virgin.. ” the breaking of the hymen n bleeding on 1st night is still an issue” in our society, specially muslim or other conservative societies.

What I am to do? My future to be husband’, is a nice person indeed. Since I am known in the family as the ideal girl: the good girl. He doesn’t doubt that I had a past. No one knows and n o one can imagine it.

How would you be if you were in my shoes, such a dilemma…

I know is is a good individual at times i even forget xxxx when I am in his company. I do not compare them because they are different and unique individuals.

However, I do live in fear, what will happen.

My current future to be husband is well read. when he talks I feel he is knowledgeable on the topic, he read online and he has all his friends who are married and shared their discussion.

Dear kristina i’m feeling so lost, I can’tt even talk to anyone. i’ve been living with my secret for 3 years now and you’re the 1st person with whom i’m confiding myself.

It is so difficult for me.

How will I do. My future husband will notice, maybe he will know, how will i hide? you talked about pills, but I have irregular periods. I’m very reactive type of person, my emotional state affects my menstrual cycle, this is why I can’t control the bleeding or schedule it on nuptial nite.

Unfortunately, I do not have much savings too, I was reading online about hymenoplasty but know know where to do it etc. Since I was active for a year maybe I will have to go for vagina tightening surgery ( i don’t think I can afford it for the time being).

I did read online that not all girls bleed. however, in my case I did bleed on my 1st time. Now lets say even if there is no bleeding, from what I heard and know or read so far the 1st time for a virgin is different and guys do get to know when a girl is a virgin this mainly due to difficulty in penetrating the girl( this despite no bleeding.

Dear kristina I need your help and advise. I know, you must have met lot of women or came across lot of feedback from people, please help me, how can I hide the fact that I had another man in my life and that i’ve ”lost my virginity:hymen”.

I heard that some people still take the future bride for medical examination or at times the mother-in-laws do check the girl down to know if she is a virgin or had sex before. Yes these type of practices still exists and I was far to imagine this.

However in my case I would not need to go through any of these. It will be my husband who will judge for himself from the nuptial night. I was told that girls who do not bleed and happen not to be virgins are sent back home to their parents after the 1st night and the girls family is dishonored as well as the girl etc I’m living in fear and pressure and stress..

Tell me what to do.

Is there any tips that can help me hide the fact that I had been active in past. Any home remedies or tips you got from other people, traditional things.

I really feel like putting an and to my life than dishonouring my family coz of me. However, I can’t even do this. If I attempt suicide, a post modem will be conducted and it will be known that I lost my hymen, virginity.

At times I wish my future husband is drunk on the 1st night and doesn not have much sense to make out.. but then he doesn’t drink ever…

if i put red liquid inside vagina it will leak out even before he has time to start with anything..

I don’t know how I ended on your website and felt like writing to you. I feel so lonely and guilty. Guilty of being a girl.

Why is my life so complicated.

Why only tears for me. I wish I could pass this virginity test of the nuptial night and start off life afresh for the sake of my family and move forward in life.

Dear kristina may be being a woman you will understand me and we are both from the same background so you can understand what I’m going through. But then I would understand if you feel i am bad. most people who will learn a girl had sex with another man before her marriage will tend to blame the woman but will not consider the situation which drove her to this stage.

I am guilty for having lived, for having loved..

When do girls live for themselves? before marriage they live for their parents, after marriage they life for their family ; husband and children…

Dear kristina to write to me as i’m feeling really lost and don’t know to whom to turn to. I no more know what to do. I’m desperate.

Looking forward.

To read from you soon.

Regards,

Dear,

What a lot you have gone through and are still going through…

I am glad to hear, you finished your education, and that you like your future husband; it sounds as if there are good things in your future after this very difficult period.

But before you can move on in your life, here are some things you need to know:

1) Most girls do not bleed the first time.
Only about 20% of girls/women bleed the first time they have intercourse. It is a terrible misunderstanding that all women should bleed on their wedding night, and more people need to know that this tradition has nothing to do with reality. However, if you cannot discuss this fact with your family/future in-laws, there are other solutions.

2) Your husband cannot feel whether or not you are a virgin. Hymens are all different, as you can see on the website. The hymen does not cover the vagina; it is more like a ring of tissue, and it does not always break. Also, having been sexually active for a year does NOT mean that you need vagina-tightening surgery. The vagina is very flexible; it takes much more than sex – usually long, complicated childbirth or giving birth to many children – to affect the size and shape of the vagina.
So remember: There is NO WAY men can tell whether a woman is a virgin. No matter how much men think they can tell the difference – and many men do think this – it is simply not true. Every woman feels different – and every man.

3) You can time your periods by going on the pill.
Even though you are an emotional person, and that effects your periods, the hormones in the contraception pill will make your periods regular. If the first kind you try does not work, you may want to try a more old-fashioned brand with a higher level of hormones. Doctors are not allowed to tell your family about your visit. If you don’t want to go to your family doctor you can either go to another doctor or to a family-planning clinic. They can discuss your options with you and provide you with a prescription.

Finally: Hymenoplasty does not guarantee that you will bleed. It simply puts a few stitches in your vagina – and a hole in your wallet. There is no guarantee that the stitches will not break too early, or simply stretch, so that you do not bleed.

You might think about getting a prescription for the combination birth control pill (not the mini-pill). That way you are in control of when your period comes (for example on your wedding night). You will need to get at least three months worth of pills, so that your body has time to adjust, and you can get the timing right.
(Remember that doctors have to keep their patients’ information confidential: So long as you are over 18, no doctor is allowed to tell your family or anyone else about what goes on between you and him/her.)

http://womenshealth.about.com/od/thepill/f/howpillworks.htm

I really hope this is helpful. Dont feel bad, that you had a past. It is your right, your life.

Many thoughts

Sincerely

Kristina

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